Diner – two men are sitting at the counter next to each other with cups of coffee. They are facing the audience. The men are dressed as if they are ready to work in the fields. Ball caps with agricultural themed patches i.e. John Deere or Monsanto. Carhartt type bib overalls long sleeved flannel shirts – sleeves buttoned at wrists heavy boots caked in dried mud. The men are in their late forties early fifties.
Man 1: “So then she says to me – you and your dad are both a couple pussies”
Man2: “Well that’s a bit harsh. This was yesterday?”
Man1: “Yeah - Tell me about it, I’m thinking like – c’mon Mom give me a break”
Man2: “How old’s your old man again?”
Man1: “I don’t know – eighty-something I guess.”
Man2: “Wow”
Man1: “Yeah”
The men drink their coffees – a waitress shows up and gives them a warm up – no words are exchanged but Man 2 winks at her.
Man2: “Oh – did you hear? The Barnharts’ have got gnomes.”
Man1: “That blows – they builders or diggers?”
Man2: “They got diggers – the pasture looks like some drunk has been driving a big ass trencher all over it. Deep too, one of the girls fell in and Andy had to lie on his belly to reach her.”
Man1: "Goddamn gnomes – anyone see them yet?”
Man2: “Naw, you know how it goes”
Man1: “I had builders once.”
Man2: “I remember”
The men gaze into the distance for a bit.
Man1: “Wake up and you can’t even get to your barn, the whole yard lousy with arbors and wishing wells, little windmills all made outta my firewood god I hated those bastards.”
Man2: “You know – I heard that the diggers and the builders are actually the exact same species – you take a digger and throw him in with a bunch of builders he becomes a builder.”
Man1: “Yep – that’s a fact. They’re pert near kept alive by peer pressure – I heard tell if you got an even number of diggers and builders in a group they’ll freeze in place – won’t do a thing – you can stack ‘em like bales of hay and just drive em off your property in a cart. ‘Course I ain’t never seen it happen – hell I never even seen the ones that was building all that crap in my yard.”
Man2: “How’d you get rid of ‘em?”
Man1: “Well, I ain’t proud to say – but I bribed ‘em. Thousand dollars worth a hand tools – 55 gallon drum of Country Time lemonade and a pickup bed full of onions – I figured there had to be a couple a dozen of ‘em as fast as they was building that stuff”
Man2: “Dude, you negotiated with gnomes!?”
Man1: “Negotiate? Hell, I gave up – all I know is they took the stuff and was gone. Sometimes ya gotta bite a bullet – You watch if you don’t see Andy at the hardware store buyin’ a butt load of fancy shovels an' picks.”
Man2: “I guess, but it still don’t seem…”
Man1: “You come and talk with me AFTER you’ve had gnomes.”
The men finish their coffees.
Man1: “Okay – gotta hit the fields”
Man2 “Seeya ‘morrow”
Man 1: “So then she says to me – you and your dad are both a couple pussies”
Man2: “Well that’s a bit harsh. This was yesterday?”
Man1: “Yeah - Tell me about it, I’m thinking like – c’mon Mom give me a break”
Man2: “How old’s your old man again?”
Man1: “I don’t know – eighty-something I guess.”
Man2: “Wow”
Man1: “Yeah”
The men drink their coffees – a waitress shows up and gives them a warm up – no words are exchanged but Man 2 winks at her.
Man2: “Oh – did you hear? The Barnharts’ have got gnomes.”
Man1: “That blows – they builders or diggers?”
Man2: “They got diggers – the pasture looks like some drunk has been driving a big ass trencher all over it. Deep too, one of the girls fell in and Andy had to lie on his belly to reach her.”
Man1: "Goddamn gnomes – anyone see them yet?”
Man2: “Naw, you know how it goes”
Man1: “I had builders once.”
Man2: “I remember”
The men gaze into the distance for a bit.
Man1: “Wake up and you can’t even get to your barn, the whole yard lousy with arbors and wishing wells, little windmills all made outta my firewood god I hated those bastards.”
Man2: “You know – I heard that the diggers and the builders are actually the exact same species – you take a digger and throw him in with a bunch of builders he becomes a builder.”
Man1: “Yep – that’s a fact. They’re pert near kept alive by peer pressure – I heard tell if you got an even number of diggers and builders in a group they’ll freeze in place – won’t do a thing – you can stack ‘em like bales of hay and just drive em off your property in a cart. ‘Course I ain’t never seen it happen – hell I never even seen the ones that was building all that crap in my yard.”
Man2: “How’d you get rid of ‘em?”
Man1: “Well, I ain’t proud to say – but I bribed ‘em. Thousand dollars worth a hand tools – 55 gallon drum of Country Time lemonade and a pickup bed full of onions – I figured there had to be a couple a dozen of ‘em as fast as they was building that stuff”
Man2: “Dude, you negotiated with gnomes!?”
Man1: “Negotiate? Hell, I gave up – all I know is they took the stuff and was gone. Sometimes ya gotta bite a bullet – You watch if you don’t see Andy at the hardware store buyin’ a butt load of fancy shovels an' picks.”
Man2: “I guess, but it still don’t seem…”
Man1: “You come and talk with me AFTER you’ve had gnomes.”
The men finish their coffees.
Man1: “Okay – gotta hit the fields”
Man2 “Seeya ‘morrow”
